-A pirate must always wear boots, except for those with peg legs, in which case one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are indescribably inappropriate.
-A pirate shall never wrap presents or attend baby showers.
-Never under any circumstances may a pirate throw his mashed potatoes up against the wall or paint daisies on a big red rubber ball.
-When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%.
-A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. This goes without saying.
-No pirate shall “discuss his feelings,” unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
-Real pirates love speed metal. The ability to play incredibly fast double kick is a favorable advantage. Dragonforce, As I Lay Dying, Megadeth and Extol are common inspirations.
-During close-range combat, brash sword fighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of a fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
-No pirate shall ever wear a fanny pack.
-A real pirate is a recluse. He will never “go out with his extroverted friends for sushi and ice cream in Nashville” or tell everyone how awesome a city is because it has “tons of cool shops, places to hang out, awesome clubs, vintage record stores, or legit hipster boutiques.” That junk is for babies.
-Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable form of headwear allowed. Fedoras, bowler derbies, beanies, baseball caps, cowboy hats, du-rags, Santa hats, mickey ears, ski masks, bike helmets, sombreros, ear muffs, or anything with lace or flowers is not permitted.
-Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
-No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives it into a tavern for the purpose of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
-No matter how hard it may be raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella.
-If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep his pirate status.
-Depressed pirates may not snuggle with stuffed animals.
-A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
-Pirates may never use the words “fresh” or “feelings,” and certainly not together (as in “I have that not-so-fresh feeling”).
-A pirate must never visit a tanning salon for obvious reasons.
-While creativity is encouraged during any bar fight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword: falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja-like swords are strictly forbidden unless the pirate rips off the ninja’s arm and hurls it as a projectile.
-No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
-Pirates think John Deere farm equipment is “totally awesome.”
-A pirate must never wear a patch that is any color other than black, unless it is Halloween, on which occasion a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside may be worn.
-A pirate’s diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
-No pirate will ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
-When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
-Crowd surfing, head banging, moshing, throwing down, and hardcore dancing at straight edge metal shows are all widely encouraged activities.
-A pirate may ride in a rowboat, but only if traveling to or from his ship. The use of a yellow plastic kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.
-No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
-A pirate does not read poetry unless said poetry is scrawled on the walls of truck stop bathroom stalls.
-A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
-No pirate may do the arm movements for “YMCA”, or engage in any type of country-western line-dancing.
-Pirates do not “IM”. The only form of instant messaging allowed is a sword through the chest.
-Dental hygiene is not a priority. However, should there be occasion, strong rum or saltwater may be used as mouthwash. Anything “minty fresh” is strictly forbidden.
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